New things in the works

Just a short one, to let everyone know I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth.

I have lots of things on the go, and new plans in the works which very shortly should start making an appearance. I usually hate to say too much before whatever I’m planning is well underway and out in the open - the best laid plans of mice and men still go awry at the last minute in a lot of cases, and quite frankly it still upsets people and makes you look a bit flakey if you change your mind at the last minute.. which I am notorious for doing.

What I can say is that I’ve been putting a lot of ghosts to rest, and at the same time making bigplans for my future. I’m planning something that never actually occurred to me to pursue in all my 38 years, until the last few weeks. I’m realising little by little each day that it’s what I’ve wanted all along, and I should damn well go for it. Everything is falling into place to help me do it (the law of attraction is most definitely at work lately, which is a big clue that I’m on the right track finally). But most importantly it gives me one hell of a warm fuzzy buzz when I think about it, and it feels, well, right.

Yes, it will involve lots of changes and improvements but most of which I am happy to discover have already been on the go for the past year or more, so I’m a little more ahead of the game than if I had to start from square one right here. It will involve a lot of study, but fortunately I’m a consummate researcher by nature AND I’ve already started the background research quite some time ago, so thats not likely to be much of an issue either.

I think the biggest stumbling block will be the cost involved to get from A to B but as with everything else thats been falling into place I have to hope that will soon show up too. We already live quite frugally but I think there’s one or two things I can do to help that along. I can sell a few things to give us cash – and more space! – and I’m a fairly good knitter so maybe some things will sell on Etsy.

So there you are.. I have been busy during my silence, as I usually am. This time some pretty major changes are under way. Next time I’ll probably be in a place to share more

Whatever happens I intend to update more frequently, hopefully even weekly. Hope everything is good in your world! Until next week(?)

xx

The people that matter don’t mind

I have a good excuse for my absence … I was undercover for a while. No, honestly I was a bit busy. Still am actually, but I managed to find five minutes to report in before my life finds me.

I can’t remember the last time I wrote here. I had other posts between the previous one you see and this one, but I deleted some of them in sheer frustration at losing another friend through expressing how I really felt.. and then right on the heels of that I got angry with myself for letting it bother me. Sooo I took a bit of a break to regain my composure, and some life stuff happened while I was doing that.
I thought I had been through that exceedingly painful phase of shedding people and things in my life that weren’t working for me. It just goes to prove that it’s more of an on-going process. Of course during my thinking I came right back to what I’ve been saying all along. I can’t control what anyone thinks of something I say even if I wanted to – I hate it when others try to do that to me. But more to the point I can’t let fear of what they will think stop me from saying what I want. I know all about cause and effect, say/do something and deal with the consequences, that’s fine. It’s actually a real quick way of finding out who your true friends are. Truth is, I don’t want people in my life whose regard for me is conditional. It took a fair chunk of time and a lot of self-control to actually behave like myself – I know that probably sounds a bit crazy but after years of trying to fit into several situations that weren’t for me, the habit takes a bit of time to break – so maybe you’ll understand when I say, I’ll be damned if I’m going back down that road. I won’t do it for myself, so there’s even less chance I’ll do it for anyone else.

Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind ~ Dr Suess

I stopped taking what people did or said so personally, years ago. Instead, bit by bit I learned to let go to observe more and not get so involved. I think I am getting there. What I learned as a result is that when you detach from expectations, I found that I’m interested in people, I’m a confessed people-watcher… and I tend to pay a little too much interest in what they put in their shopping cart, but I digress. There used to be a time when I would avoid other people’s opinions and preferences at all costs in case they automatically thought I agreed, or worse, that they could change my mind (and also partly because I was struggling to figure out what my opinion actually was without the noise of other opinions to distract me), but worst of all because I was afraid of their reaction when I told them I didn’t agree. What I learned very quickly is, that anyone worth their salt would accept that I have my own set of feelings and opinions and preferences, without feeling threatened and immediately try to change my mind. I had no idea that I had surrounded myself with a lot of people that tried to control their little world by attempting to make everyone around them behave in a way that made them more comfortable. Who knew there were non-judgemental people out there! But I caught glimpses of a better life, and it took a long time but I grew to realise that if I was going to enjoy my own life, I had a lot of changes to make.

It took shedding pretty much my whole world (and standing up to people in my life who simply needed to learn that I was no longer taking crap off anyone) to get me where I am now. And that did not involve finding people who would agree to everything I said. Far from it. I found true friends of a like mind who were honest with me, and at the same time let me be me. It took a long time for the fear to go, sometimes it needed a little push.. and there’s times when I slip a little.. I will sometimes hesitate to pursue an idea or wear something different, but those moments are becoming fewer and further between. I can now even have a healthy debate with someone without either of us feeling threatened. If I can honestly see – what I consider – a different option they may not have considered, I might pop up and say something, even tell them how I felt as a result of their action (note: not because of their action… that’s giving away far too much power), but I take great pains to show my offering as a suggestion, or even a non-judgemental question why they think that way. If nothing changes, well I have two perfectly good legs to get me away from that situation, and every right to do so.

Obviously I realised there were going to be disagreements between myself and even the most supportive people in my life, it’s not going to be rosy 100% of the time, and I found my gut reaction a very good indicator. Digging that out from under layers of fear was a job in itself. If I felt any kind of manipulation or desire from them for me to change to suit them, or even what they felt to be for my own good, chances were that I was in the wrong crowd.

After my latest blip, I’ve quickly gotten back to my the life I’ve created for myself lately. I now work in a more supportive job than last time. I have a very supportive and loving partner, and we have a new home together. No more living in someone else’s house and having to abide by their rules – for either of us. We have our own rules now.
And to the people that I won’t be crossing paths with again – at least in this life – I wish you all the best. You were all in my life for a purpose, good or bad. I won’t waste what I learned from our contact, and I hope you find your own happiness.

For now, it’s back on my new road. Cya soon!

Moving Forward

So much time has passed since my last post, but I swear it went by in the blink of an eye!

It’s difficult to tell but I think I’ve turned a corner of sorts, the most notable of improvements being that I think i know what my magic IS even though I may not really be experiencing it yet.

Tonight we (my dad and I) had the intention of looking at the moon with a telescope he just bought a little while back. (Note to self: must buy one when I’m settled). Unfortunately the clouds had other ideas and we didn’t actually get to see the moon – at all. Even trying to focus on a star or two before a hole in the clouds filled in was near enough impossible.
While we were standing there though, my mind did the usual wandering and I got to thinking about all of our lives in the grand scheme of things. I’m from the school of thought that we come here repeatedly to put ourselves in situations that will teach us a thing or two about ourselves, and I was just wondering to myself about this road I’ve been on since my divorce. It would give me no end of pleasure to be able to post about a raging success, but I can’t, not yet. There’s so many more miles to go. I can’t go back and I wouldn’t want to even if I could. But I have caught a glimpse of what is ahead of me and I’ve picked up my pace a little because I want to get there sooner. Though, my poor old body needs to catch up. I’m still feeling symptoms I don’t want.. the panicking and other stress related reactions. This last week was rougher than usual – I could have used some serious tlc - but as usual needed to soldier on alone. I’m actually hoping I won’t reach the point where I want to give up again. It seems to happen every few months after I feel like I’ve been banging my head on a wall. I’m wondering if I’ve managed to avoid it this time. Although having said that, being in email (and text) contact with a certain someone has certainly helped me feel like all my efforts aren’t for nothing, so there is the silver lining…

Last night I woke up several times with stupid things on my mind and a bad dream about a weird shopping mall(?) And I’ve been so tired lately anyway, maybe doing far too much again.  So today I’ve just about had it and I’m going to sleep in a minute. Just wanted to post to let everyone know I was still alive, I’ll be in better spirits for the next installment.

Take care, and hopefully posting sooner next time!

 

Huge Mountain

I’ve had quite the mix of moods this week. Up one minute, totally up (no, sorry I can’t share, it wouldn’t be right) and totally in the dumps the next, wondering how I’m going to pull myself up to be able to enjoy said “up moment” in the future. The light at the end of my tunnel looks awfully bright (and sunny, like in the med, say) but by comparison the remainder of the tunnel looks so incredibly dark. There is a lot to do between then and now, a lot of minefields to get through and quite franky, I’m scared silly.

I have a pile of lists to remember everything and arranging the items on them is quite a logistical nightmare. There are a lot of things to do before other things can get done, my timing sucks at the best of times, but I know full well when I relax and it’s not so important key things seem to fall into place for me, like serendipity. It’s so tough to trust this when it really counts, and ironically thats when I need to let go the most. Just do what I can and let the rest come is the toughest thing to do sometimes. Though, the one thing I can be sure of, is that it most likely won’t fall in my lap if I just sit back and do nothing. I can’t do that anyway, I have to be doing, all the time. And it’s not all stressful. Knitting or jewellery making is incredibly relaxing for me, even when I get frustrated with a project. Like I’ve heard some people say, if being busy is what your soul wants to do, then sitting idle is stressful. How true that is in my case. I guess the more I can get done the more I feel I have achieved. It can get too much though when I have a million things on my plate and then I’m stupid enough to look at the mountain. Thus the lists. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before (I probably did <— memory like a sieve) but I have several notebooks for all different things, and in their way, they make my life a little more organised. It’s keeping them organised that’s the trick. Paying attention to the little things really makes a difference. Looking up at the giant collectiveness of where you want your life to go and what you have to do to get from here to there can give some perspective and maybe encourangement, but if you look at it all the time it just swamps your efforts and makes them seem meaningless.
There is no going back, only forwards. A job that should be getting done at the end of April should make sure I never ever have to visit the past again, and I’m not even doing it, so I’m doing my best to get on with my future. One mantra in Reiki is “just for today, I won’t worry”. I think that works on many levels, even if it’s not that easy to do. For one, today is all we really have… sure we may have a lot of “today’s” in our lives, but we only have one at a time. And secondly, worrying achieves nothing except to draw towards you that thing that you’re worrying about, similarly if you focus on something nice you will draw that towards you, as the law of attraction states. So there’s every reason not to worry, so why is it so damn easy? Are we trying subconciously to prepare for the worst? Wouldn’t it make more sense to put that energy towards something that will move you towards the path that you want to be on? You would think so. But why do I keep falling into that particular trap? The progress I’ve made should be reason enough to negate the need for worry but I still do it. I still get mega stressed, still panic frequently. My overwhelming question is ‘WHY?’.

In the absence of a suitable answer I guess I will have to keep trying my best, working on my projects and admin, and more importantly not take on any more until I have a clearer desk. (I may be overwhelmed at times, but man it sure feels good when I can cross something off my list.) And occasionally look up to check I’m still heading in the right direction. It’s nice to have an exciting goal on the horizon.

As I was writing this post I remembered an old trick I used years ago. Writing each part of a project on post-it notes and rearranging them on a large flat space, like a wall for instance. It might work again for me, I will keep you posted on that one.

So, with that off my chest, I’m going to see what I can get done during the rest of my day…. and… just for today, I won’t worry…
(I was tempted to put the word “try” in there, but as Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.)

Anubis is stalking me…

Last Sunday night I had a dream about an Egyptian god (with the dog face and headdress) climbing out of a ventillation shaft to come and get me (I have no clue)..

Monday I watched a program about the Egyptians and there is that painting of Anubis leading Nefertari into the realm of the underworld… hmm, ok…

Tuesday I went to have my Reiki attunement done and I look in the mirror above the fireplace across from where I was sitting, and there is again, on a reproduction of the Egyptian painting leading Nefertari into the realm of the underworld. Ok, this is getting creepy…

This afternoon I walked into the library, ok nothing unusual about that, but on the leaflet stand there he is advertising an Egyptian exhibit in an old building in the next town. Ok there is something definitely weird going on.

 

So I took a leaflet and stuffed him in my handbag, saving him the bother of following me.

I must be about to die or something, or he likes my perfume, either way I’m on to you Anubis!

Crazy…

On to better things

Ok, I have reached a point where I think it’s time to let go of the past.. Yeah yeah, I know, I should have been doing that anyway… but hey, I do things in my own damn good time.

So anyway, how do I know this? My gut instinct seems to be working just fine lately. I’ve learned to take the twisting gut wrenching feeling to mean “actually, I think this may not be such a hot idea”. My patience has increased a heck of a lot, and I’m also finding it easier to deal with other people without getting worked up and afraid to say no. I seem to have this expectation-ometer inside me that can spot hidden agenda’s coming a mile away. And I can neatly step aside. Has it met with rave reviews? Hell no. I can also tell instantly just by looking at people’s reactions who is with the new program and who would-rather-it-stay-exactly-as-it-was-thank-you. I guess you got a lot more out of the old one. Understandable, but not good for me. So, that’s gone now.
It’s taken a long time but I think I have a pretty good handle on who Em really is, not who everyone (<—- yes I know, that is a very sweeping generalisation but stay with me here!) wants/expects/needs/demands her to be, but me. And even better, I like her. Now I’m just getting to love her. She’s quite the fabulous lady. And I am well aware this probably sounds big headed. Well good. I have built up a fair bit of credit in that department so I’m going to use it!

Actually just in case you were wondering, no I haven’t lost it. I just feel as though I’ve woken up for the first time in <cough> years and realised who I am. I blame the Reiki. I forgot to say, I got my level 1 attunement last tuesday, and every since then there’s been some weird happenings in my bod. All the energy (on top of the reiki that was being sent my way by my lovely friend) is working its way through me and un-knotting the knots, pulling out and dusting off the rest of my self-esteem and pointing out all my good bits. And more’s the point, I just have to think about the word Reiki and my arms start buzzing (inside of course) like I could shoot beams out of my hands… (no I’m not Jesus).
Needless to say it has been quite an experience. And yes, as they say, the Reiki found me. It was suggested to me to help with my writers block just a few weeks ago and it has made quite a difference. I can definitely recommend it. I was so impressed I decided to become attuned myself so I could pass on the good vibes. I am no-where near proficient at it. It can take months to get to a point where you’re ready for level 2 and years for level 3 (master). I don’t know this, I’m just repeating what I heard from several different sources, but I can believe it.

I’m not even sure what my whole point for this post was <shrug> I guess I just wanted to share.. things are popping in my head all the time and I can hardly keep track of them. I did start writing them all down (you should see how many different notebooks I have!), so now I have a mammoth note sorting out job I keep trying to get to… maybe one day soon…

I know at some point I wanted to explain my tagline “on a mission to rediscover the magic in life”. But when I think about it, I can’t condense it down into a few words. But maybe it shouldn’t be contained in words, and it’s probably self explanatory in any case. I guess if you get it you get it. But saying that if you do want to know what I mean, feel free to ask, and I’ll try my best. There, that cleared that up.

Well, I’m going to get my head down early and read a book. I have a stack to get through, not that I will ever get to the end - more are being added all the time. Soon I will post a list of what I’ve been reading lately. I was hoping to have my own website running soon so I can do that easier, but I’m not sure if I will have time. I will see how things go. So until next time, good night and safe travels. x

Risk

It’s a funny thing, risk. When you see something you want but you must stick your neck out to see if you can have it. Some people are as quiet as a mouse and never ask for anything, and others at the other end of the scale that expect everything handed to them and throw a fit when they don’t get it. And then those people that just take eveything around them. I’ve always tried to run my life somewhere in between the extremes, not walking over anyone to get when I need to go, but maybe I’ve held back a little more than I needed to.

As a friend of mine said to me quite some time ago “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” But this is coming from a lady who knows what she wants and goes out and gets it. It’s always been very difficult for me to ask for things I want, but since then I have been trying to take her advice. Just lately I’ve noticed I have been taking very small risks and asking for things slightly outside my comfort zone. So far these little things seem to pay off more often than not, and as a result I think I am becoming more confident in “sticking my neck out”. Not just asking for things, but also just stating my opinion about things when appropriate. I’m still keeping within my own believe system of not trampling over everyone else to get on in life, but I’m only now seeing what leeway there is between not asking for things at all and asking too much, and it seems there is quite a bit. It’s a learning curve…

So, getting to the point of my musing on this topic, there’s things I would love to ask certain people right now but I’m still struggling with the whole fear of rejection thing, or the fear of being told no. But the more I think on what makes us so afraid of rejection, I know that the more you rely on yourself, the less a negative answer will affect you, and the more you will be able to re-think whatever it is you wanted. You’re more likely to find a way around, or at the very least, learn to live without, so in the end, the risk is reduced. But even when you know all this the fear is still there. You could go on forever calculating risk, searching for a way around doing the actual work. You can hope to death that it just happens by itself, the other person makes it easy for you by giving something away, or even does something that brings about a situation that negates the need for risking anything at all, but how often does that happen? I guess we slip into a dangerous area when we wait for the fear to go away completely. The opportunity for something may disappear entirely. I know thats happened to me far more than I care to remember. So ultimately I’m faced with the ugly truth that the fear only goes away (or reduces) if we face whatever it is and just do it, and I don’t know about anyone else, but I find that more often than not, the more time goes on the worse it gets. And even when you decide that you will do something about it, judging timing is always difficult. Saying the right thing, and at the right time is even more tricky. For someone who considers herself a writer, I’m having a lot of trouble finding the right words. But at the end of the day I won’t know if I’ve said the right thing until I just do it. It would be far easier to give up, and just not do anything, just to let the opportunity slip by. But I’m not happy with that – for a while now that has not been good enough for me. It’s taking a lot of courage to stand up and do this thing that I don’t want to do, but I think losing it would be far worse. And that’s what I have to keep reminding myself.

A quickie

Just a quick check-in..

Things improving… mood settling. Learning to enjoy good things and not let bad things frustrate me so much.
Still much on my mind but sorting through it gradually.
Made another move forward this week, I can almost feel the new life waiting for me, still far down the road but definitely a little more than just a dot now.

Ouch

This last week has been quite interesting. I’ve been up one minute (over the weekend) and quite down the next (early part of this week). I had a drink with a very good friend from Spain over the weekend (whom I will refer to as D). I hadn’t seen him since 1990/91(?). Far too long anyway. I can’t speak for him, but I had a great time. It brought back a load of memories, some of them entirely hilarious, and far too personal to share here! I was glad he could make time on his whirlwind visit, it was a breath of much needed fresh air, and I was sorry to see him go. Walking back into my accommodation after he walked me home, I saw my current life staring back at me. I almost wanted to run after D and tell him to put me in his suitcase. I definitely need some sun and relaxation.

I couldn’t explain the weird feeling that washed over me, and the empty hollow pit growing in my chest since Sunday night as I tried to get back into the mundane job of everyday living. I’ve stumbled through the last two days with my body on autopilot and in fits of crying when I think no-one is in earshot, trying to figure out what the hell happened to me. The only conclusion that feels even anywhere near the truth is that I think I can say I have entered into the next stage towards my “true” life, but oh boy it’s a painful one. I haven’t felt such longing in… well… a very long time. I think it is part of the recovery process that it hurts like this when you get a little hope back. When someone (inadvertently) shows you there is a possibility for more. See, no-one tells you about this seemingly insignificant part of putting your life back together from being completely numb. (Or maybe they do and I just didn’t listen!)

It seems I’m done telling myself that I can’t have it, and it actually feels like a possibility now, albeit a remote one for the moment. That villa in Italy seems so damn far down that tunnel I need the Hubble telescope to see it! But, I have this weird –and ridiculous- feeling as though every minute I spend working, is another step away from my dream, and not towards it, that if I take my eye off it for a second to concentrate on something that will get me there, it will get away from me. I know, silly huh? I am on the verge of finishing things that will lead to more prospects, and hopefully more work and therefore money, therefore I will have the ability to do more of what I want. I keep asking myself ‘how can this possibly mean I’m moving away from my dreams?’ I know if I work hard there’s a very good chance that it will happen sooner than I suspect.  I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, get up when I fall over, that kind of thing. You know, pretty much what I’ve been doing all along. Only now I have an old dream to aim at.

I’m going to print out a picture of an Italian olive orchard with a beautiful old house in the background and stick it where I can see it, it might make me get up a little quicker, keep working that little bit harder, and act as a reminder so that I don’t have to worry that I’ll forget what I want.

I’m hoping that this strange feeling will pass or I get used to it. Its very uncomfortable to say the least. I have no doubt it will, but for now, where was I? Left foot- forward, right foot- forward….

This is me calmer now

It wasn’t just yesterday that certain things in my last post are an issue for me. Those and many more are around every day. But the weekend was bad. Something said out of place – or worse – assumed, is usually enough to set me off and only then do I realise that it must have been festering too long again. I really need to watch that. I have no qualms about blowing my top like I did, but it’s not good for me, and it sure surprises the hell out of some people.

The kind words of friends and a kindly stranger were enough to reassure and remind me that not only is it me that is going through some lonely moments, but that they don’t last forever.

Usually I’m strong enough to remember this, and try to keep a smile on my face, to know in my heart that my friends are enough to keep me sane. Long ago I consoled myself that having someone in my life would only bring trouble (as I explained quite colourfully in my last post), and there was absolutely nothing I could do about that, so I was happy to continue on alone. But that doesn’t work all the time, and on days like yesterday it wears really thin and I start getting really angry at the injustice of it all. I look around at other people, virtually everyone I know has a partner. They might bitch and whine that they aren’t happy, but I guess every situation has pro’s and cons. It’s far too easy to think the grass is greener, I suppose. Us single people may have the pick of the litter, but seriously, there is not much of a litter to pick from, other single people are few and far between – finding someone who you want to spend time with, out of those people is virtually impossible.

Sometimes my faith that life is going to turn out ok is sorely tested, and too often I have a lot of reason to believe that it won’t. I forget that I believe in serendipity and the law of attraction. And times like these I realise I have gotten so far off my “road” that I’m lost. I want to remember that I believe that Karma will catch up with us all sooner or later, whether we deserve good or bad. And that all we can do is try to live the best life we know, being kind to ourselves and others, but creating boundaries to protect ourselves, making use of our abilities and improving them where necessary. One I love is “never stop learning”. Whether that be academic or life, there’s always more out there, none of us know it all. It seems to me that aside from any religious notions, we are all here for a reason, I don’t think we are an accident at all, even as rare in the universe as we are - as far as we know so far.

But anyway, my whole point is that I wanted to say that the monster has retreated for the moment, and “thank you for listening” to the ones that weren’t scared off. I’m feeling a little better, steering back onto my road and continuing to try to get to “happy”.

Hopefully my next post will be more cheerful, less tantrum.